Invisible.

27 Nov

The loose thread swaying from your sleeve
The imprint of a raindrop left on your windscreen
The pitched piece of paper that missed the bin
Passed on glitter from a stranger on your skin

Old watches you never wear anymore
Receipts for last year’s groceries
Pictures that you always skip but kept anyway
Those 80s soul albums you love to play

It’s there if you look
Or at least it used to be
Someone pulling that thread
And complaining about your messy car
Enabling and betting you’d miss the shot
Watching girls drool ’cause you’re just that hot.

Someone who said cheap watches were faulty
And introduced you to your favorite frozen pizza
The pictures of the sky that night
While listening to music under the moonlight

She’s just invisible now.

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Vivid Expressions

26 Nov

Okay, I’m not pregnant. Unfortunately, neither did I win the lottery. .

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A lot has happened over the past few months. A lot. I went on with my journey to evolve, hit a few dead ends, a few rocky roads and I got lost a couple of times. But, I never stopped writing. I kept on doodling my raw emotions and untamed thoughts in my journal and my drafts folder. I was determined to do two things: learn from every experience and never stop moving.

Whether it’s in the form of a convoluted poem, a simple story or just an idle ramble, I will be sharing these moments with you.

Who even reads my blog?

Greetings Little Interested One, I am happy to announce that I’m officially back and ready for the umpteenth relaunch of thestruggletoevolve.wordpress.com. I hope you’re ready this time because I’m letting it all out. I will be free. I will not care. I will be real and most of all, I will be consistent. Okay, I will try to be consistent.

Are you ready for some vivid expressions?

 

The College Dropout

23 Jul

I know I haven’t been blogging like I should be, but I’ve been super busy lately with umm, you know, obstacles.

But I’m here now and ready to rant as usual 🙂

Today I want to talk about the importance and benefits of being true to yourself. It don’t matter the circumstances, always choose the path to happiness by doing what makes you comfortable. It makes no sense you watch your life go by without contentment and no hope of eventually reaching your point of self-actualization. Don’t live other people’s dreams. The moment you realize that you can be in full control of your own life, the better.

Lame topic? …not even … Just stick around. I’m about to share a story with you.

Just two years ago I was a first year marketing student at The University of the West Indies. A spoilt daddy’s girl, fresh from a rural district, wide eyed, innocent, intimidated, aflame with curiosity and at that time the destined outcome of my endeavors was unforeseen. Marketing was never my dream, but my desideratum for independence and fear of being a failure in life drove me to give it a try anyway. I was just grabbing every opportunity I could get without taking my actual interests into consideration. I must say, doing marketing wasn’t that bad. But I came to realize that it just wasn’t my forte.

There I was …
Sitting through lectures bored as hell, irrepressibly wondering why I was there and why I kept ignoring the emptiness inside of me.
Eventually the emptiness prevailed. I couldn’t disregard it anymore. It was out in the open for everyone to see.

After my last final exam, I kissed UWI and everything there goodbye, including the emptiness.

It wasn’t easy for me. I wasn’t prepared to be known as “the college dropout” while I baffled to get my life together. It took a lot out of me to find the courage to inform my family and friends about my decision to leave. Surprisingly and fortunately, I got the support of those who matter.

After leaving I realized that for the first time in my life, I was not enrolled in an educational institution, I was without a plan or any direction. I didn’t know how to relax, have fun and just do nothing. But I knew I had to, and I’d rather be out of my element at home than at school idly milking my bank account.

It was time to repose, take a deep breath, embrace quietude and figure out all the things that would make me happy.
Before I knew it, ideas were springing up like daisies.

There it was …I finally found it …

After reluctantly following my heart, I now run an entertainment complex and I’ve been recently accepted to study law at a university in London after discovering my newfound interest in Entertainment Law.

Forget how mature and elated I am at this stage in my life. What really matters is my ability to control my life. I do what I want to do. I take risks. I live for me and I fuel my own smiles. All I had to do was stand up for myself and trust my instincts.

Silly obstacles

.

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You Are …

15 Jun

It’s been awhile ..
A lot of solitude
A lot of trying to convince myself I’m incapable of giving a f*** about you

Holding my hands
Calling me “pretty”
Licking your lips
Charming and witty

Don’t you get it?
Leave me alone.
I’ll never ever admit it
I’ll convert my emotions into opposites
Then exude them amidst the confusion
Then watch you chase the lies
like little black butterflies
While I sneak away with what’s mine

I hope I have a nightmare tonight
A vivid reminder of the chaotic story behind the bruised face of the girl I euthanized sometime ago
I need to refresh my fears

What is it about you?
You sneaky bastard
You closeted hopeless romantic
Secretly trying to hack into my mind
Break down my defenses
Enrapture my soul
And whisper words of freedom
to all the doubts inside of me
that you are …yes, you are …

You are all I need to move on.

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No-Negativity Diet!

10 Jun

Time surely heals all wounds. My life was once at a state when I was completely dependent on that cliche. I had tried everything. All I had left was time.

And a drink every now and then …

People will always speculate and be judgmental about a situation they’re analyzing through rose colored glasses. Truth is, you’ll never know what a person is going through fully. We all conceal stuff. We’re all afraid of putting too much of the things we’re not proud of out there for the world to see.

I might not seem like the kind of girl who cares about what other people think. I definitely don’t care what insignificant people have to say. But I do care about what the people around me have to say. The people I love are the only ones who can really affect the way I see and do things.

Lights. Camera. Action.

The process of eliminating all vectors of negativity and carefully assessing all new interests before letting them into my life is a crucial milestone in my journey to evolve.

No! I’m not interested in those hype, social-climbing guys anymore.

Buh-bye you Air Jordan wearers who swear you can’t pay for dinner.

All friends that are bad influences and providers of harsh energy gots to go.

Yea, you’re light skinned, beautiful and in demand. Let’s see how long that’ll work for you. It was fun while it lasted.

Don’t think I can do it? Okay.

Go be a demotivator somewhere else.

I’ll never find someone else like you?

I hope you’re right.

It’s not as easy as I thought, it’s kinda like a new workout plan and diet.

Here’s to my no-negativity diet! 😉

à tout à l’heure.

Hey There!

7 Jun

Sigh. I’ve been putting off writing an awesome introduction to my shiny new blog that would instantly get me into the cool crowd and I’d supposedly fit in with the elites of the blogosphere!

Yup. I don’t think that is going to happen.

But here goes nothing

Hi, my name is Aza. I’m nothing but a Jamaican country girl with aspirations of making it big one day so I can be free, don’t expect anything more from me.

Okay. That first bit sucked …

Let me start over.

Hi, I’m Aza and I’m attempting to embark on a journey of self-improvement by initiating the relevant changes in my life as I’m crossing over into adulthood. The main purpose of this blog is to document my transformation from an introverted young girl into a self-reliant, confident, and robust young woman.

That’s it? Damn.

Oh well, not what I expected I’d come up with, brief but I think I made my point. I welcome you to follow my story and cheer for me as I overcome every single struggle to evolve.

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