Logic.

12 Dec

My mind won’t be at rest
It’s brutal and knows what to do
Hold on to you, mourn our love
Make everything look better than it was
Your eyes are more dreamy
Your smell is captivating
The situation now seems tolerable

Over-thinking constantly
Reproaching my choices
Maybe I could’ve tried harder
Maybe you’re the mildest pain
But time will tell
It will either make us or break us
Everything is out of my hands

Staring at my destitute shadow
Confining the tears
Weakness takes over
But that’s ok this one time
Because, unlike every other time
I know there is no logic in this.
There’s nothing to understand here.

She.

6 Dec

I wonder how she looks
All graceful and stunning
I conjure a million instances
I’ll see the light hit her long flowing hair from across the street
While you bend down to tie her laces
She’ll stand there all victorious
While I play my role from a distance

How is she not enough?
How could you possibly want more?
And where in me did you find it?
Dumb question
It’s all in my crippled lips, docile and seemingly disconnected from my thoughts
My frequent moans of vulnerability and feeble idiosyncrasies
My shaky legs
My daydreams
And my fear of reflection

Your words don’t fool me
But your actions do
My mind is appalled
My heart is leaping recklessly
She knows you’re safe with me
I’m only a matter of your desire
Destined to perish with time
To her, I’m like a virus going through your system
Soon to be unnoticeable
She wins everyday
I lose every night.

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The Lucky Haircut.

1 Dec

It’s bad enough to be constantly chased by salivating guys on the street everyday. I mean I can’t keep these dudes off me …

Okay. Slight exaggeration.

Womp!

I’m no Marilyn Monroe and I don’t care. I’m a lady and I like dressing up and being pretty but I won’t go out of my way to conform to society’s idea of beauty. I could play the influence of Eurocentrism or the sexism card right now. But, instead of pointing fingers, I will share how I overcame my struggle with insecurities.
I went through all the phases, all of them. There was a time when I couldn’t leave my house without makeup because I was so accustomed to a painted face and thought it was inappropriate to wear a bare face in public. I also went through the weave phase, as I took one weave out I’d put in another. I’d buy a lot of clothes, so many I’d be popping tags every other day.

You must be wondering where this is going and why was this an issue?

First, you must understand the kind of girl I am and why I was doing these things. I am naturally a wallflower. My genuine interests include reading, writing down whatever comes to my mind, deciphering song lyrics, watching random videos on YouTube and sleeping at every given opportunity. I don’t go out much. I do enjoy a drink every now and then but I don’t smoke. Yes, I really don’t smoke. So to sum it all up, I like to be left alone in my room where I can be comfortable and braless. Hehe.
The glam didn’t do much for my personality, but something about these additives made me feel normal. I craved normality. I felt like being in my comfort zone was holding me back from a lot . This was what was expected of me and I was doing my best to deliver.

I am so used to the word “lame” being thrown at me for as long as I can remember, I was working overtime to fit in and be a bit more umm, “hot.”

It took a tragedy and a breakdown for me to realize that it made no sense I tried to change myself to please people. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress anyone, especially in love. Sad story.

I had always wanted to go natural and people would talk me out of it.

Natural hair is lame and you’ll look old”

You know you’d have to cut all your hair off right? You could never pull off short hair

On December 31st 2012, I made a vow that for the rest of my life I’d do me and I wouldn’t allow anyone to bring me down. I cut my hair off that day and something amazing happened. I felt free. I could feel all my problems and insecurities fall to the ground along with my hair. I felt like a different person. A happy person.

Weird things began to happen.

I was doing the things I love and people were more accepting of it. I even started to meet a lot of people with the same interests.

I realized that a different calibre of men started to notice me.

I’m talking about men with good jobs, men who are mature, men who got their lives together, smart men, sexy men, all kind of men!

I had a whole box of sexy chocolate bits to choose from!

Maybe it wasn’t the haircut that freed me and made these men start to see me differently. Maybe it’s the way that I began to see myself that really attracted them. I do indulge sometimes, but I no longer feel the need to hide behind weaves or makeup as I’m now aware that some eyeshadow and a few extra inches of hair won’t make me any more beautiful. I was actually hiding the beauty all along.

I miss that haircut. But I guess it’s job is done.

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5:19am

29 Nov

Hi …
Good morning …
Notice me …
Please …

Why are you up before the sun?
What’s on your mind?
Not me?
It’s obvious what’s on mine
This is ridiculous
Let me update my status
Still nothing?
Damn …

I wish I was the girl who’d go first
Be bold, poised and eloquent
But I’m not …
Instead, I’ll just drop hints
All cowardly and shy

Might as well go back to bed
He’s obviously having a convo with her
Maybe she’s hot or just more interesting
I’m going to lose to Mystery Girl if I don’t make a move soon
C’mon, I can do this
Just type …”hi”

Darn! He’s gone offline
I guess I lost my chance
Oh look, he’s back
Send! Send! Send!
C’mon send the message

What am I doing?
I can’t hit send
Suppose he’s busy?
Suppose he doesn’t want to talk to me?
I don’t want to be a bother.

I guess I’m just not the first thing on his mind as he said
But that’s okay
I’ll just wait for him to say good morning at 11:00am.
That’s still morning right?

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Invisible.

27 Nov

The loose thread swaying from your sleeve
The imprint of a raindrop left on your windscreen
The pitched piece of paper that missed the bin
Passed on glitter from a stranger on your skin

Old watches you never wear anymore
Receipts for last year’s groceries
Pictures that you always skip but kept anyway
Those 80s soul albums you love to play

It’s there if you look
Or at least it used to be
Someone pulling that thread
And complaining about your messy car
Enabling and betting you’d miss the shot
Watching girls drool ’cause you’re just that hot.

Someone who said cheap watches were faulty
And introduced you to your favorite frozen pizza
The pictures of the sky that night
While listening to music under the moonlight

She’s just invisible now.

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Vivid Expressions

26 Nov

Okay, I’m not pregnant. Unfortunately, neither did I win the lottery. .

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A lot has happened over the past few months. A lot. I went on with my journey to evolve, hit a few dead ends, a few rocky roads and I got lost a couple of times. But, I never stopped writing. I kept on doodling my raw emotions and untamed thoughts in my journal and my drafts folder. I was determined to do two things: learn from every experience and never stop moving.

Whether it’s in the form of a convoluted poem, a simple story or just an idle ramble, I will be sharing these moments with you.

Who even reads my blog?

Greetings Little Interested One, I am happy to announce that I’m officially back and ready for the umpteenth relaunch of thestruggletoevolve.wordpress.com. I hope you’re ready this time because I’m letting it all out. I will be free. I will not care. I will be real and most of all, I will be consistent. Okay, I will try to be consistent.

Are you ready for some vivid expressions?

 

The College Dropout

23 Jul

I know I haven’t been blogging like I should be, but I’ve been super busy lately with umm, you know, obstacles.

But I’m here now and ready to rant as usual :)

Today I want to talk about the importance and benefits of being true to yourself. It don’t matter the circumstances, always choose the path to happiness by doing what makes you comfortable. It makes no sense you watch your life go by without contentment and no hope of eventually reaching your point of self-actualization. Don’t live other people’s dreams. The moment you realize that you can be in full control of your own life, the better.

Lame topic? …not even … Just stick around. I’m about to share a story with you.

Just two years ago I was a first year marketing student at The University of the West Indies. A spoilt daddy’s girl, fresh from a rural district, wide eyed, innocent, intimidated, aflame with curiosity and at that time the destined outcome of my endeavors was unforeseen. Marketing was never my dream, but my desideratum for independence and fear of being a failure in life drove me to give it a try anyway. I was just grabbing every opportunity I could get without taking my actual interests into consideration. I must say, doing marketing wasn’t that bad. But I came to realize that it just wasn’t my forte.

There I was …
Sitting through lectures bored as hell, irrepressibly wondering why I was there and why I kept ignoring the emptiness inside of me.
Eventually the emptiness prevailed. I couldn’t disregard it anymore. It was out in the open for everyone to see.

After my last final exam, I kissed UWI and everything there goodbye, including the emptiness.

It wasn’t easy for me. I wasn’t prepared to be known as “the college dropout” while I baffled to get my life together. It took a lot out of me to find the courage to inform my family and friends about my decision to leave. Surprisingly and fortunately, I got the support of those who matter.

After leaving I realized that for the first time in my life, I was not enrolled in an educational institution, I was without a plan or any direction. I didn’t know how to relax, have fun and just do nothing. But I knew I had to, and I’d rather be out of my element at home than at school idly milking my bank account.

It was time to repose, take a deep breath, embrace quietude and figure out all the things that would make me happy.
Before I knew it, ideas were springing up like daisies.

There it was …I finally found it …

After reluctantly following my heart, I now run an entertainment complex and I’ve been recently accepted to study law at a university in London after discovering my newfound interest in Entertainment Law.

Forget how mature and elated I am at this stage in my life. What really matters is my ability to control my life. I do what I want to do. I take risks. I live for me and I fuel my own smiles. All I had to do was stand up for myself and trust my instincts.

Silly obstacles

.

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